I sat next to my best friend on her queen-sized, bed, surrounded by a mass of pillows doing what best friends do best: heart to hearts. As painful as it was, losing that friendship wouldn’t have mattered if you hadn’t learned anything. We were rehashing the loss of one of my closest friendships. A guy who in the course of our three-year friendship I realized I was in love with. We laid out the details like a deck of cards. How I was planning to let go and move on. I had written an emotional note to David ending the friendship. To top it off, I sent a text. A text saying I couldn’t be friends anymore.
The emotional, disgruntled note came later when I felt the need to explain my text. A note, might I add, that was written while I was slightly tipsy. Something I highly warn against: drunken notes, texts, smoke signals, or really communication of any kind. Rewind to 2016 when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend. After three years of a great friendship — of long phone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me — I realized I was in love, and it scared the crap out of me. I knew what he meant to me. I knew if I had to choose, I’d always pick him.
I was in love with someone. So yes, a really long time. I sat on my newfound knowledge of my feelings for a month, hoping I could will them away. I didn’t want to be in love with my best guy friend because I was afraid of losing him, but even more so, I was afraid of being rejected. It took me three years to realize I was in love with someone. I hard-core stuffed those emotions, deep, deep down in a dark tunnel that no one could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. In the midst of my attempt to avoid reality, a friend gave me some words of wisdom.
She told me that perhaps the first step is to acknowledge what it was. I had been running, stuffing, and avoiding for so long that coming to terms with how I felt seemed impossible. As we sat, talked, and sipped coffee, my heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding captive: I was in love with him. Being honest about your emotions and being vulnerable won’t destroy you. In fact, it’ll only make you stronger. I took my phone to my apartment’s deck, and I made the call. Fast forward to present day: the love that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited.
He told me while he had felt the same way before, he didn’t think we were a good fit. It was my biggest fear coming true in real time. Falling in love with someone only for it not to be reciprocated. We tried going back to being close friends like we had always been, but it didn’t happen that way. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. We saw each other once more in 2016 when we both were home. I thought I could be his friend again, but my heart was still hurting.
your my best friend my love
I sat on my newfound knowledge of my feelings for a month, the witty texts stopped filling my inbox. Of seeing each other at our worst, i knew what he meant to me. I fell in love with someone and that love was not reciprocated. We tried going back to being close friends like we had always been, being honest about my emotions and being vulnerable didn’t destroy me. I didn’t want to be in love with my best guy friend because I was afraid of losing him, i worked more hours to avoid emotions. After three years of a great friendship, fast forward to present day: the love that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited. Of challenging each other to grow — or really communication of any kind.